Where my head is at | midlife crisis at 18

So, this is a pretty different post, it’s definitely not my typical beauty review style, however I didn’t have a clue what to post this week and I’m really low on ideas (since I’m saving some good ones for Blogmas) so I decided, hey why not get a little bit more personal. About a week ago now, I found myself stressing and causing myself to have a complete meltdown because I do not have a clue what I want to do with my life, leaving my head feeling well and truly battered.

Being a teenager is fricken confusing and difficult. I’m eighteen years old, yet I’m expected to start making huge decisions that are going to impact the rest of my life and set me up for what I want to do in the future, but the truth is I really don’t have a clue what I want to do. There are so many routes I’ve thought I’ve wanted to go down, from being a teacher, to a journalist, to a fashion designer (you should’ve seen how many amateur portfolios 12 y/old Emily had), but have eventually changed my mind time and time again.

I’m also terrified that when I eventually choose a route to go down, I’m going to regret it and wish I’d done something else, as well as the thought of not being able to live my life to the fullest because of a job.

Things I know I want to do with my life:

  •   Work for Disney, preferably as a character in one of the parks
  • See the world more (especially America), I’m bored of the UK and I’d really like to get away and adventure more because that is definitely what makes me the happiest
  • Continue recording my adventures, likes and interest like I’m doing right now on my blog
  •  Start a YouTube channel; every YouTuber I watch seems to be having the best time, with no regrets about starting a channel and I want that to be me!

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Reasons why I can’t do these things right now (or maybe ever):

  •  I’ve recently got myself into £40,000+ of debt by enrolling at University, don’t get me wrong, I love the course I’m doing and it was definitely the best decision I could’ve made for my position right now as I’m definitely not ready to face the real world and get a job, however three years seems like such a long duration to me right now which is making me feel pretty trapped, yet I’m not prepared to give up on it
  • As much as I like to think I’m an independent extrovert, I’m such an introvert at heart and often rely on the company of other people in order to have the confidence to do something. Since these are my ‘life goals’, if you want to call them that, there’s no guaranteeing I’m always going to have someone by my side to do them with me.
  • Because Uni is costing me so much, that’s definitely the main priority in my life right now and therefore blogging has had to become a hobby once again, meaning I don’t get to create posts and put as much focus into my blog as I’d like to.
  •  It’s disheartening seeing people grow their blogs so easily while I feel mine is at a bit of a standstill, no matter how much I try to improve my writing styles and photography etc.
  • I’m too comfortable in my current situation. I’ve got a part time job that’s so convenient, I live with my parents and thankfully don’t have to pay any bills or be too independent, I’ve got friends close by – I’ve found myself in a cosy situation and I’m scared that if I do choose to really go for something and change my predicament, I won’t be so cosy anymore
  •   I hate the sound of my voice on camera, the way I look on camera and the idea of people judging me and thinking I’m weird (even more weird than I already am) for talking to a camera.

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All I’m trying to say is, my mind is completely frazzled right now. I really don’t know what I want to do with my life or where I’ll see myself in ten, or even five years’ time. I suppose what’s worst about it all is watching people my age achieving so much and being deemed as successful, or even people I know having their entire life planned out, while I’m still here figuring myself out.

Sorry for the rant/ramble style of this post, but I figured writing a post about my situation would stop me stressing so much, especially if there’s someone feeling the same as me.

Thanks for reading,

Emily X

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